Since its creation the rowie has been steeped in controversey. Even its very name is subject to fierce debate. Some say that it should be called a morning or aberdeen roll, others maintain that it should infact be called a buttery, if only a decision could be made that satisfied all parties the senseless killings could stop.

For the unenlightened a rowie is the croissant of north-east Scotland, its high lard content ensures the fine fowk o’ the north-east can hibernate right throughout the winter months. Its salt content has also been the centre of red hot debate throughout the land. ‘Akabusigate’ will live long in the collective memory of mankind, as Kriss Akabusi likened the golden discs to ‘Salty Cakes’. His family immediately distanced themselves from him and it comes as no suprise that he has not been picked for his country or Question of Sport since.

In recent years we have seen the invention of the curried rowie and the rowie pizza, which have failed to ignite the populations imagination.

Rowie Facts

• Christopher Columbus found the rowie in 1786, exactly 7 days after Charles Mungus had invented it
• Rowies are made from partially collapsed stars and lard
• Rowies promote a sense of well being and self-importance in the well at heel
• Barbara Windsor once ate 48 rowies in one sitting which easliy broke Chuck Norris’ previous record of 31
• Rowies can make fools of us all and wait for no man

Tell us your favourite way to have a rowie

Heres me I woke up this morning to find myself booked in to the local community centre to perform saxophone solos for under priveleged yobbos. I had no idea who had booked me in but i had my suspicions that foul play was afoot as firstly i can’t play saxophone and secondly my relationship with the under priveleged is strained at the best of times. I decided that my best course of action was to find out who had signed me up and then concentrate on either cancelling the show or learning to play the saxophone, both of which would be tricky at such short notice.

My first port of call was “Hairy” Harry Legge, the janitor and the eyes and ears of the community centre. Deaf as a bat and blind as a post but he knew what made that place tick. He went on holiday once in the mid eighties and the building exploded. Some say it was because Harry wasn’t there to look after it but the official report suggested that he’d left the gas on.

When I explained my problem to him Harry looked terribly confused and pointed out that i had actually booked the hall myself the previous afternoon. He showed me the signature on the booking form and it certainly did look like my handwriting but i couldn’t remember being there yesterday afternoon. I went back inside my mind and retraced my steps. i scratched my head as i thought and noticed something unusual. I was wearing a beany hat. Then it hit me. What an idiot. Courtney Pine had been round at my house yesterday morning and i had promised to swap jobs with him for a day for comic relief. I’ll have the last laugh though. Courtney doesn’t know that I’ve just started a new job as a shepherd. He hates sheep!!!

“On January 18th 2004, Strictly Kev premiered the original ‘Raiding The 20th Century’ on XFM’s ‘The Remix’ show in London. It was a 40 minute attempt to catalogue the history of cut up music – be it avant garde tape manipulation, turntable megamixes or bastard pop mash ups.”

This is Fookin A’ and well worth profering up some bandwidth to get your ears all over this mo fo.