I have just returned from a very odd fortnight peddling my wares at the Banff fashion week. Granted it’s not quite in the same league as Paris or Milan but the organisers are very keen to put it onto the fashion map. I received a phone call a couple of months ago from Jeff Banks and George from Asda almost begging me to help out. This was a huge honour for me as i have, over the years taken more than a passing interest in the catwalks of the world .Naturally i couldn’t refuse two of the twentieth centuries greatest style icons and so i set to work without a moment to lose to create my collection. I spent many a sleepless night and many a thoughtless day deliberating about a theme for the show, when suddenly it hit me like a literal bolt from the sky. Thunder and lightning.
The next few weeks, in the run up to the launch party were spent mostly nude and drunk as i tried on almost every different combination of rainmacs, sowesters and wellington boots that i could think of, all emblazoned with lightning flashes of various intensity. Nothing was left to chance and my attention to detail frightened me at times. If any one outfit was not quite right i would simply rip it up and burn it using old copies of the clothes show magazine as kindling. This seemed to encourage the inner ponce in me and soon i was ready to give my collection its first test viewing. I called George and Jeff round, sat them down in my converted loft studio and gave the signal for my assistant Tim Vincent to dim the lights.
I went round to the back of the makeshift curtain and hastily got changed into my first design. When i was certain that everything was just right, I gave the nod, the curtain went up and the thunderstorm sound effects started to rumble out from the speakers.I had never felt so alive. There i was standing in front of the two people who had almost single handedly given the ordinary person in the street the chance to buy designer clothes at high street prices, wearing a see through pac-a-mac, a helmet with a lightning flash on a spring and two small upturned umbrellas as shoes. If it hadn’t been for the thunder music you could have heard a pin drop. George an Jeff looked me up and down for what seemed like an eternity and at that moment i swear that i saw a tear trickle down Jeffs face. It was a moment i don’t think any of us will forget for as long as we shall live.
Naturally they loved it. They told me i had already revolutionised the fashion world as we knew it and placed an order for one million of the outfits before the fashion week had even begun. They even said that they didn’t even need to see the rest of the collection because the first outfit was so good. I breathed a huge sigh of relief because i had burnt the rest of it in a fit of artistic rage and all that i had left round the back was a bucket of water and an electric wetsuit that hadn’t been tested.

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