Dust the halls with boughs of Russel
December 16th, 2005 by russeldust
Its that time of year again when my lip starts to quiver and my eyes start to burn. The festive season has never been one which sets my heart ablaze. This could be down to one of many reasons. Firstly I was born at christmas time, on christmas day in fact in a hillman imp, speeding through the swiss alps with my then parents. (A journey which to this day has left me with a completely rational fear of motor vehicles). Obviously I was too young to remember all the details but found them later in a book which chronicled my early development. The story goes that my travelling companions(my parents) that fateful day had been refused entry to a boney-m concert at the base of the mountain and had retreated in haste upwards in order to get a better vantage point and therefore see the gig for free. A combination of rough terrain and a badly maintained suspension system had been too much for my poor mother to bear and just as the last verse of ‘brown girl in the ring’ started I was thrust into the alpine chill. The fact that they had missed a large part of the concert was something that they never forgave me for and every year they were reminded of their disappointment by the incessant playing of ‘marys boy child’ by commercial radio stations. Their anger grew and grew until one christmas when they couldn’t take it anymore and i was turfed onto the streets to fend for myself.
As you can imagine, this left me with a very unpleasant taste in my mouth around this time of year and in more ways than one. For my sixteenth birthday the orphanage organised a trip to the local zoo and as a special treat i was given a ride on a camel. Unfortunately as i was attempting to mount it, the beast backfired and i was right in the line of fire. I can still taste it to this day.
As i grew up I tried to forget about all the negative things that had happened to me at christmas and during the nineties i was even employed in a large department store as santa claus. I threw myself into the job and was even made employee of the day on two occasions. One year after the shop had closed down on christmas eve, a couple of the elves and I decided to go for a few drinks to wind down after the hectic month that we’d had. The drink started flowing and as it did my memory got hazier. Nothing was ever proved but cctv footage clearly showed me and Steve the elf playing next to the old canal. Steve didn’t make it home that night and it was a bleak christmas in the elf house. I too spent an uncomfortable week in the cells but with the absence of a body it was always going to be hard for them to prove anything and I was acquitted. He turned up last year in debenhams in Wick.
I’m going to make a real effort this year though. I’ve hired a real reindeer to give kids from the youth club rides round the block and Steves coming round for christmas dinner so hopefully it will be a merry christmas after all. He says he’s going to get me a new bike but I’ll believe it when I see it.
Tags: Russel Dust